Lessons Learned When a Taunted Girl Dies
I was shocked to read in Kim Carollo‘s ABC News story, Kathleen Edward, Girl Taunted Online While Battling Huntington’s Disease, Dies, that a 33-year-old woman and mother taunted her 9-year-old girl neighbor, Kathleen Edward, with such spite.
Social development is not an automatic result of being an adult. As parents, we have a responsibility to continue our own learning, growth, and development, not just for our sake, but for the sake of our kids.
Regardless of how essential, and beneficial, it is to be civil in our society, we could use more skillful training in it. Lecturing about and mandating civility and compassion will not accomplish it. Instead, asking reflective questions will get adults and kids to evaluate their own behavior and make changes.
When you find yourself or someone about to do something destructive, ask:
- What is the best way to respond in this situation?
- What can I do to get what I want?
- How could I turn this situation around?
- What would be a win-win for everyone?
- What could I do differently?
Too often, there is no time for asking and listening, only reacting and escalating. If this post has given you a chance to reflect on your own choices, please comment and share.
A New Year With Success
“Success means we go to sleep at night knowing that our talents and abilities were used in a way that served others.” – Marianne Williamson
Every new year brings hopes for things to be different, even better than the year before. We want to feel joy and ease, and experience success. Our success as parents can be measured in the way we love unconditionally, connect deeply with our children, acknowledge the contributions that we and others make. All of these actions serve our families and communities.
Many parents, however, feel unsuccessful. They are disappointed by their results and doubt their abilities. They are worried about their situation in life and this worry can take a toll on their relationships with their children. I have noticed that parents experience many successes throughout the day, but as they frantically move from one situation to the next, they miss the chance to celebrate their wins. Some successes are even judged as trivial and minimized. Parents might even look at their “to do” list and ignore the nine things they did and get hung up on the one thing that they did not do.
Instead of discounting your success, start acknowledging them daily. Acknowledge how you share your gifts and talents and how you actively make your home and community a better place. Acknowledge your ability to set an intention and follow through, even if that intention is as humble as taking a shower. A win is a win. Everything counts!
As you build the habit of acknowledging your successes, be gentle with yourself and focus on what you do accomplish. Raising kids is no small task, so give yourself some credit! Direct your attention to your successes by starting a daily success journal. Every night before you go to bed, write down at least five successes you had that day. They could be anything from staying calm with your screaming toddler to winning a multi-million dollar contract. You will naturally feel more successful as you track your successes.
It has been said that success breeds success, and you cannot truly be successful unless you feel successful. In fact, feeling successful is what attracts more success into your life. Start your 2012 success journal today and watch what happens.
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Tagged child, children, mom, New Year, parent, parenting, Present Parent, Present Parent Training, Sherlyn Luedtke, Sherlyn Pang Luedtke, Success, Success Journal
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Give The Gift Of You
What do you think your child wants most? You guessed it – you! Before you start feeling overwhelmed, consider that a study published in Family Circle magazine notes that while mothers in 1959 reported playing with their child about 275 hours a year or 23 hours a month, by 1983 the time had shrunk to only 75 hours a year or about 6 hours a month.
When people play, they tap into right brain functions like creativity and imagination which supports their productivity and resourcefulness. Children’s work is play because that is how they learn and discover. When parents are fully present and engaged, instead of listening to the chatter in their minds what they “should” be doing, they also can learn, discover, have fun, relax, release stress, and become healthier. They can also have stronger connections and influence with their kids. When you get back to joy of childhood through play, your kids can see you as relatable and human. It brings you together, and helps you enjoy parenting more.
You might be wondering how to make the time to play when you have so much work to do. If that’s the case, you cannot afford not to play, for your own sake. You are missing out on the juiciness of parenting if you are not enjoying your kids. If you want to model a fulfilling, meaningful life for your kids to repeat when they are adults, then follow these simple steps to play like a kid again:
1. Recognize That Play Is Important
Play and relaxation have a critical place in a busy world. When you take the time to have fun and rejuvenate, you are more productive and have more stamina in the long run. The last thing you or your kids want is for you to burn out.
2. Make Play A Priority And Schedule It
While it might feel mechanical, putting something on the calendar helps it get done, especially if you have your child looking forward to it and holding you accountable for this intentional time.
3. Choose An Activity You Both Enjoy
It has to be fun for you and your child. Resentment may build if you choose something just because your kid likes it. Make sure the activity means something to you, too.
4. Be Present And Focused
Do what you can to safeguard this time from distractions. This includes mental and emotional worries or guilt, as well as phone calls and other outer world interruptions.
5. Consider Adjustments To Make For Next Time
This is not a one-time deal. I’m advising that you do as much of it as you can, at least 6 hours monthly, to help increase the average of mom’s play time. Learn from what didn’t work and create an even better experience next time.
Playing with your child does a lot to strengthen your relationship with your child. And as a nice side effect, you can increase your own productivity and enjoyment of life, too.
Walt Whitman said, “When I give, I give myself.” Your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical presence is the greatest gift you can give your child. Will you find a way this holiday season to afford them that gift? Please comment below and share this with other parents who might want to play, too.
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Tagged busy, child, children, Christmas, gifts for kids, holiday, mom, parent, Parent Training, parenting, play, Present Parent Training, Sherlyn Luedtke, Sherlyn Pang Luedtke, stress, time
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How To Choose A Toy For Your Child
With all the toys on the market, it can be challenging to choose a toy for your child. Parents often buy the biggest and best only to find their child bored, frustrated, or not engaged with their gift. While a child may beg for the flashy new toy they just saw on a commercial, it may not be the wisest decision to run out and get it for them without considering a few things first.
1. Safety
Always check the safety of the object. Ask yourself, “would I be completely confident that my child will be okay playing with this toy unattended?”
2. Age Appropriateness
Can my child understand how to use it? My son received building sets as gifts and but because they were for older kids, he occasionally felt very frustrated and needed a lot of help. Some toys might be too fragile for smaller kids to handle.
3. Learning
Determine whether the toy is educational in any way. Think about what it can teach your child, or how it might inspire his imagination. How might it engage both left brain analysis and right brain creativity and storytelling?
4. Multi-Sensory
Does it get your child to use all of his senses? And does it have a silent button (to preserve the parents’ senses)? Also, toys or games that get kids to move help children work their sense of body position and balance.
5. Entertainment
Consider whether or not this toy can keep your child very active and busy. Does it help promote social interaction or independent focus, and does it add variety to his toy collection?
While no one can predict with 100% accuracy which toys will be a hit with your child, remember that the best toy is not always the most expensive or the one with the most lights and sounds. Choose one that meets your criteria and give it with love. If all else fails, they can always play with the box.
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Tagged age appropriate, child, children, Christmas, gift, gifts for kids, parent, parenting, Present Parent Training, Sherlyn Luedtke, Sherlyn Pang Luedtke, shopping, toy
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Celebrity Mom Katie Holmes Has Moments, Too
It’s challenging enough to be a mom, but being followed by photographers who document your whole life can be too much. Katie Holmes is wonderfully sincere as she describes her daughter’s accidental encounter with adult-themed candy, photographed by papa razzi.
We can learn a few lessons here:
- Recognize that information out of context can be misinterpreted.
Anyone can take an isolated incident and run rampant with it. As awkward as it seems to have a picture of a child with those gummies, I am inclined to give mom the benefit of the doubt. Every parent has moments they would like to forget. Not every parent has the luxury of obscurity. I’m grateful my moments have very little chance of being viewed by millions of people. How about you?
- Watch your own tendency to judge.
Some of you might be inclined to protest all non-bear gummies, or criticize Ellen Degeneres, or Katie Holmes. You don’t have to agree with someone, and chances are that you won’t. Regardless, if you expend energy on debating who is right or who is wrong, that’s less energy you have for your own parenting and your own life. I don’t know about you, but I need every ounce of energy I can muster to keep up with my kids and my life. Judgment and criticism also block understanding, connection, empathy, and your ability to influence. As Stephen Covey said, “seek first to understand, then to be understood”.
- Release your need for other people’s approval.
You are setting yourself up for failure if you base your success on what other people think about you. Their opinion of you is out of your control, and it’s also none of your business, in-laws included. You can still appreciate and love them unconditionally. Just be sure that you focus on what is within your control – changing yourself and your behavior. Stay true to your intention to be the best parent you can be, and be gentle with yourself when you get off track. And for the record, how your kids behave is only a reflection on you if you say it is. You are worthy and whole, no matter what your kids do. If you see a need for improvement, address it, but it doesn’t serve you to make it mean that you aren’t a good parent. Katie Holmes won’t please everyone. Neither will you, and that’s just fine.
There is merit being under the scrutiny of the public because it makes you think twice about what you choose to do. When someone is watching, people tend to be more conscious of their behavior. Before you breathe a sigh of relief that your picture is probably not going to be on the cover of a tabloid magazine, remember that you actually are in the spotlight and your actions are being monitored and studied and internalized by your adoring fans, your children. May your words and deeds be infused with grace that your kids will return to you.
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Tagged celebrity mom, child, Ellen Degeneres, Katie Holmes, mom, parent, parenting, Present Parent Training, Sherlyn Luedtke, Sherlyn Pang Luedtke
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Continue Learning
In many of my workshops I ask, “how much longer do you think you’ll be a parent?” The response is usually “for the rest of my life”. Then I say, “considering many of you will be parents for quite a while, how much time to you spend each week on improving your parenting skills?” The answer is often “zero” or “a little”.
Parenting, like many other things, is a learnable skill. If you are not feeling successful in your parenting, then do something about it and expand your knowledge. Parents often are going on automatic and using the same parenting strategies that their parents used with them, that their parents used with them, and so on. In my opinion, kids have changed significantly, even in the last decade or two because of the impact of media and technology. Consequently, parenting is a whole new ballgame and new methods are needed.
Science is giving us more information on how the brain works and how children develop, especially when they spend time in front of screens (tv, computer, etc.). When you are on top of recent developments and incorporate them into your parenting, not only will you experience greater success with your kids, you’ll feel more confident in your decisions. You can have a more cooperative home life and feel energized to make a bigger impact in your community.
Continuing your learning is not limited to getting new information. It also includes reviewing what you already know. You may be familiar with a number of highly effective parenting techniques, but for some reason, you are not doing what you know. This is probably the perfect time for you to revisit some of those teachings and focus on applying them in your life. Every time you read something, even if you have seen it before, you are seeing it from a new perspective because you are a different person than when you saw it last. Take advantage and take it deeper.
Let me be clear that I am not suggesting that you to run off and get a masters degree. Keep things simple. Take a class, join a discussion group, subscribe to a newsletter, or read a book. You might want to make it complicated. It’s not. Present Parent Training even has a Parenting Webinar Series starting on Nov. 22 that parents can attend live and get the recordings. Whatever the medium, find what works for you, and start.
Most importantly, once you get some new information, ask “how can I use this?” Even if you only get one gem of wisdom from the book, group, or class, that gem could be the difference between you feeling frustrated and you feeling confident.
As you continue learning, you model an appetite for learning for your kids. It will help you empathize, and when you talk about what you learned in your class, they’ll probably be more likely to tell you what they learned in theirs.
Parents, I invite you to continue your learning through your life, in parenting and other areas. It’s helpful, and it’s fun. Even though I am considered to be an expert in parenting, I still take classes, read books, talk to other experts, and seek deeper insights. And after all that, if I think I know it all, I just go and spend some more time with my kids. They have plenty to teach me.
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Mom Stress Alert: “Don’t Make Me”
The other day I was dropping my son off at school when I heard two moms arguing, loudly. One mom was in her car in front of mine, and the other was walking toward the school gate. Thankfully, my son was already on his way inside before tempers flared.
They went at it, shouting and gesturing. Accusations flew, until finally, one mom yelled, “Don’t make me cuss in front of the school!” After more heated words, and what sounded like profanity in another langugage, the conflict ended, and we disbursed.
If you ever hear yourself saying the words, “Don’t make me cuss in front of the school!” that is a CLUE for stress. Consider this:
1. Take Advantage of the Warning
Are you getting the message? You are having a moment of awareness that you are about to snap. Don’t let your stress or anger get the best of you. Heed the warning and pause before you do something you will regret. You might end up with more to stress about.
2. Take Responsibility for Your Choices
What choices are you making and modeling? Every person chooses their actions. Even if you are reacting to stress, that doesn’t mean you aren’t making choices. All of us choose how to act, what to say, how we say it, what to focus on, when to cooperate, when to resist, and what our self-talk is. Choose in a way that models responsibility for your children.
3. Take A Different Perspective
Do you have to be right? If you have to be right, you are caught up in your own ego. Come from understanding and empathy, and find ways to live in harmony with others. Still speak your truth. Worst case, you may agree to disagree, but take the high road to get there.
4. Take Control of Your Impulses
When else do you blame? The mom was giving away her power by blaming her adversary for prompting her profanity. Blaming puts you in victim mode, which often turns you into a victimizer. Victims often lash out verbally or physically against the people closest to them. In other words, I wouldn’t want to be that mom’s kid or spouse immediately after that altercation. Also, by blaming, you not only end up focusing on what you don’t want, you end up attracting more stress into your life.
5. Take a Time Out
Do you need a break? Not as punishment, but as a breather. Most people are running on fumes and are on the verge of a meltdown. When you take the time to fill yourself up first, you will be better able to care for others and deal with challenging and stressful situations more effectively.
So if you hear the words, “Don’t make me…” coming out of your mouth, it is actually a blessing. By being present enough to notice that it’s time for a shift in attitude, you can make life more peaceful and easy for yourself and your family.
If this was helpful or you have experienced a similar situation, please comment below and share this with your friends.
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Tagged anger, blame, child, mom, mom stress, parent, parenting, Present Parent Training, school, Sherlyn Luedtke, Sherlyn Pang Luedtke, stress, swearing
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Have A Great Fall
With fall underway, many families are finding themselves out of sync as they shift back into school mode. Younger kids miss their friends or older siblings who have returned to the classroom. Even morning traffic is heavier as the weather gets cooler.
Whether your kids are in school or you are simply mourning the lazy days of summer, here are five tips for parents to make the most out of the change of seasons.
- Stay Positive
It can be very tempting to complain about going back to school. Instead, focus on what is positive about the change of seasons and the start of learning. The week before going back to school, our son started talking about missing his classmates, and we focused on how wonderful it would be to see them again. Also, instead of acting frustrated and harried, smile and be pleasant about back to school routines. When you as a parent believe and act like this is a wonderful time of year and that everything that is happening is a blessing, your kids will tend to take that perspective, too.
- Make Adjustments Quickly
You may already have experienced some negative encounters in the first few weeks of school. Use your negative feelings as clues to what adjustments need to be made. Would you and your child benefit from going to bed earlier? Burning off some energy right after dinner? Keeping the television off until the weekend? Thinking in terms of continuous improvement will also allow you to forgive yourself and your child for any clashes along the way.
- Celebrate
Acknowledge the efforts of everyone in your household, even the baby if you have one. It is a team effort to make this seasonal transition as smooth as possible. Let everyone know that you appreciate them and that their success is cause for a celebration. Cheer and pat yourselves on the back, turn up the music and dance, or have a picnic or party.
- Make Time For Connection
Play time is essential to balance out more structured activities that fall usually brings. Visit a pumpkin patch, go biking, or simply cuddle up and listen to your child. By scheduling special time with your kids, you let them know they are important.
- Trust That Things Will Work Out
Things don’t always go the way we want. When you can stay optimistic and expect all things to work together for your good, you set an example for your kids to follow that will serve them as adults. You can set an intention for perfect attendance, good grades, successful events, or nice teachers, and release the stress from needing things to go “your way”. If they don’t, it’s still for your best.
Every day is an opportunity for growth for you and your child. I wish you all the best in your journey as a parent!
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Tagged child, children, education, parent, parenting, Present Parent Training, school, Sherlyn Luedtke, Sherlyn Pang Luedtke
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How Parents Can Secure Their Financial Future
Wouldn’t you like to stop worrying about getting laid off, being able to pay your mortgage, whether you’ll be able to afford college, or whether you’ll ever be free to retire … and get back to enjoying a worry-free life?
I attended The Millionaire Mind Intensive and my income quadrupled. This amazing event WILL change your life! All you have to do is say yes to the gift of a FREE SEAT at this extraordinary, content-rich program.
I recommend it to ALL parents. If you want time and money freedom in your life, make it a priority to attend the Millionaire Mind Intensive. Hope to see you there!
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First Day of School Encouragement
The first day of school is a great example of how parents can ease their children out of the nest to fly on their own. Despite preparation and practice runs, once my son was inside the school gate, he was on his own to find his class. It took empathy, encouragement, and a little push to get him going, but he finally got to where he needed.
Pushing our children in minor matters is a great analogy for parents to push ourselves and grow. When was the last time you took on something new? When was the last time you did something that scared you? When you stretch, just like you encourage your child to do, you can experience great benefits mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Embrace the opportunity to grow and tell your child about your experience. Your child will be glad to know he is not alone when it comes to facing fears.
Please comment and let us know the last time you felt like you were pushing yourself? How did you grow as a person and as a parent because of it? What did you gain from expanding your comfort zone?
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Tagged child, children, first day of school, parent, parenting, Present Parent Training, school, Sherlyn Luedtke, Sherlyn Pang Luedtke
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